You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
