My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
