dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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