PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
two words...techno handjob
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Randomize
