I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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