No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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