My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
