I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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