I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize