I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
