so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
All I want is dick and wine.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
