i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
