i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
