just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
