when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize
