last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
