evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
