have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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