WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
it's like heaven, but drunker
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Randomize
