It's like God shit irony all over that family
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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