I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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