I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
