you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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