paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
