I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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