Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
