oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
