Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
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