you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
