i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
