I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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