I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
