I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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