I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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