Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My balls are so social today.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
