Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
