Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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