that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
