I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
