i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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