if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
