Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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