Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
