No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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