Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
