Heybabeimwearingurpanties
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Randomize
