Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
