I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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