he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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