My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Randomize
