Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
