I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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