Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize